One day you will wake up, scared, anxious with your heart and soul all twisted up into knots. The day has arrived when you’re not enough. What will you do then?
You have been holding up for months, mentally, physical, emotionally and yes, spiritually. You started a new thing, amidst the same fear that threatens to engulf you and darken the very horizon of your dreams. You’ve been hanging off the rock face on the way to the peak of your dreams. Hanging on so long, that your nails have broken off, your fingertips are bleeding and your arms are weak with the strain of holding you up against the rock.
You’ve pushed beyond your dream, burnt the candle at both ends and still it’s not enough. You’re failing. You’ve failed before, but this time it’s different. This time the cut is too close to your heart. This time the bleed is furiously hot and threatens to burn your dreams to ash as you watch and weep. You struggle and resist but the tumble continues to stalk you. It stalks your every step like a shadow. Every misstep is magnified and speaks volumes about your wrong turns. It’s so loud you can’t hear the rest: the good.
As you fail, you feel the disappointment creep in and take root in your spirit. It leaches your joy and turns it sour. You take off your rose coloured lenses and put on blinders to mask everything including your dream. You want to crawl and hide away but the flood of failure has drowned the field of dreams and washed it all away, so you have nowhere to hide.
You feel shame and there’s nowhere to take cover. You are petrified. There’s so much to carry. Happiness is slipping through your fingers like water through a sieve. Confidence walked off long ago and left an empty hall in your heart.
So you fail. With as much grace and courage as you can muster. You take it on the chin; swallow the deep bitterness of it all and rail, rail against the injustice of it all. You put in your 10,000 hours; you’ve done the time. Why isn’t it working? Because you aren’t enough and you never will be. We will always chase more. Will always want to be more. And fail. Gloriously. Spectacularly. Fall off the rock face you were climbing; crash and die a thousand deaths. Lie at the foot of the mountain, broken and disheartened.
Then one day, your dream shall shine through the clouds again like sunshine after the rain. That day, you will continue up the mountain wrestling handhold after foothold and lifting yourself up through each challenge, sometimes with effort and sometimes with not so much as a whimper.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-Psalm 121 : 1-4 “I lift up my eyes to the hills– where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”